I can’t live this way anymore. I cant be this fat and miserable. I need help. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I’m going back to how I was. I don’t care I don’t give a fuck. Relapse. What is this… The 5th time? Whatever.

probably not. i hate you.

Do you even know how many times I’ve gotten myself in trouble? Do you know how many times my life could have ended.

I’m reckless. I don’t give a fuck. I could die tomorrow and expect it. The way I live is basically being dead. I’m a zombie. 

I look at everyone like they’re a game. They don’t exist in my heart or mind. I could spend a whole day with them and not think about them the second i leave. It’s like they never existed, like that day never happened. 

I spend my nights lying in my bed staring at the stupid bear you gave me before winter break of 2009. That inanimate object has more feelings than you do. You left me with absolutely nothing and i’ll never forgive you.

A tear just fell down my cheek on each side simultaneously. It’s bazaar really. Sometimes i forget I can feel. Sometimes i check my pulse to see if i’m still alive and breathing. It’s so weird how you became such a part of me that i forgot how to go on without you. I thought i was over you and everything you’ve done to me. I guess not. Since I just made two posts about you, this being the third. 

I feel sexy and hot without you now. That’s a plus. I don’t have anyone attacking every insecurity. I don’t have anyone going out and being a whore and making me feel worthless. I don’t have anyone to forget to call/text me to tell me goodnight and I love you. 

Every 23rd day of the month gets hard though. Not emotion wise, I just want to tear it apart. I had the number 23. I hate blue cars. I hate Dodge’s in general. I hate Jay Z & Kanye West. You made me cry when you went to New York. I hate that state too. I hate where you live. Where I used to live. I’m never coming back. 

You’ll never see me again. I don’t want to hear your voice. I hate hearing your name. It sucks that it’s common too.

it never stops.

I can’t picture what you look like anymore. The outline of your face, the shape of it.  I fell in love with your eyes the first time i saw them but they had a different look to them. Your nose was so cute, but it’s become misshapen. Your lips were the perfect size; soft, sweet, and wonderfully pigmented. I don’t know what they look like now. I don’t know what you look like. Is your hair still the same? No, i know you cut it. Have you grown? Have you worked out? Are you more toned? I liked your body. You were always insecure about it. 

Have you been intimate with anyone else? I have. It’s not the same. I look at them & they’re not you but it’s not the you now i’m thinking of…it’s the you before. Do you still think about me and how i used to make you smile? I used to trace the outline of your skin. Your skin was so soft & sweet. The color of caramel with the scent of buttercream frosting. Your hair felt like a silk sheet. Making love to you felt like i was on cloud 9. 

You’d think remembering every small thing about you would make me remember what you looked like huh? I can see certain images but i can’t put them together. You’re like a 1000 piece puzzle set. 

It’s better this way i guess. I don’t cry or get angry anymore. I started eating food again. I lived a little. The best part about all of this is that i’m completely numb. I don’t hate, I don’t love. I loved you but you took it away. All of my insecurities become non existent when i’m doing things that aren’t secure. I’m not me an I never will be. My friend called me in the middle of the night asking me 100 times if I was okay. I said yes. I should’ve told her the truth and said I didn’t know. She started crying and I didn’t want her to. I’m not okay but i’m not not okay.

I feel the urge to cry but nothing is coming out. 

I’m empty and cold.

I just don’t exist.

and now that you’re gone, i don’t know who to be.

and we can fix each other.

over and over and over and over and over and over again.

and i will.

i’m disappearing from life. by facebook, twitter, friends.

i hate all of you.